she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
