If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
