What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
