Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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