Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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