My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
