chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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