duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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