Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
