How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
