is your mom at the bar?
We won't sleep together?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
