4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
