is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
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The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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