Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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