just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
