he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
