I can text with my tongue
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
