Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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