i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
