My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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