she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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