I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
