God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
