he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
