you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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