Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
