Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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