Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
