Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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