My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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