I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
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If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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