i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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