My nipple is on Facebook.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
