Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
