Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
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Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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