I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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