he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
