i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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