Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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