i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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