Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
