Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
