i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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