I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
