My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
