I think I won the penis lottery.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
