ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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