Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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