Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
