I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
as a side note pls kill me
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
