It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
