As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We need to get me chipped asap
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
