I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
