I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
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i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
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He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.