i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard