I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
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Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
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As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.