we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
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I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.