I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
